To hell and back: cultivating resilience
She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful. ~Terri St. Cloud
Everyone is going through some shit—or has been—or is about to. None of us gets through this life unscathed. The goal then is resiliency, bouncing back after hardship, becoming strong, healthy, happy again. Picking ourselves up and moving on.
I feel like my family has been through more than our share this year. But then maybe that’s the nature of life. Maybe some of you feel that way too.
What do you do to get through the tough times? How do you work to make things better again?
I’m still figuring it out, but one of the things I have learned is that it does no good to focus on the things that are not in your control. That just stresses you out, with no possible return on investment. From things as small as the weather on the day of your big race (or picnic or vacation) to bigger things like your loved ones aging or getting sick, your children’s safety and happiness, or a lack of justice for your baby brother’s death. (Feel free to insert your specific worries here.) We can worry or rage all we want, but that isn’t going to change anything.
So what is within my control? I can pack appropriately for the forecasted weather or make a Plan B and determine to enjoy myself no matter what. I can spend quality time with my loved ones while they are here and make memories. I can live healthy and make sure I’m not contributing to anyone else’s illness. I can savor the memories I have of my brother and spend time with the family that I do have. I can give up worrying about whether the driver is sorry or “suffering enough” for what he did.
Another thing I’ve been working on is giving up “why me” and “if only,” and replacing them with “So what? Now what?” Or in other words, what does this (whatever this is) mean for me? And what do I do now? Accepting where I am and moving on from there. It’s been my experience that the only time asking “why” is useful is to change something—to make sure you get a better result the next time around. Along those lines, I’m doing my best to replace “I should have…” with “Next time I will…” Moving away from the negative of shaming toward the positive of growing and improving.
I’m no expert. These are just my personal thoughts about what has worked for me. I would love to hear from you about how you pick yourself up and move on from life’s challenges.
I remember as a child, after some perceived injustice, crying to my mother “That’s not fair!” Her response? “Life isn’t always fair.” Did your mother impart any words of wisdom for cultivating resiliency?
On days when it all seems like too much, I focus on the basics. I borrowed this from Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection. I understand she borrowed it from a 12-step meeting.
A=Have I been Abstinent today? (For myself, I substitute moderate in all things.)
E=Have I Exercised today?
I=What have I done for myself today?
O=What have I done for Others today?
U=Am I holding on to Unexpressed emotions today?
Y=Yeah! What is something good that’s happened today?
Have a Terrific Tuesday! Or if you are in a sad place, and that’s too much pressure, simply have a day. “Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don’t give up on yourself just yet. It’ll get better. Until then, have a day.”
I love Brene’s work, and especially enjoy her thoughts on vulnerability. This blog is a great example of how having the courage to be vulnerable can help others in profound ways.
Thank you for the kind words Anneliese.
You have a perfect way of putting things. Thank you. If I’m feeling really down and I don’t know what to do about it, I remind myself the dark feeling won’t last forever. I just have to be patient and things will feel better with time. I think our mother is a perfect example of someone who has been through a lot of bad things but is still able to find joy and be happy.
So true Cindy. Mom is an amazing woman, and she taught us well. When I think of resilient people, my sisters and brother are at the top of my list. Each of us has been through some pretty crazy stuff, and we keep kicking! I don’t want to “out” anyone by making a list here, but it really took me back when I actually made a list privately. I’d welcome any one of you to guest blog on your own experiences and how you not only survived but thrived.
It is so true that focusing on the problem never helps. One thing I’ve learned is to focus on a positive outcome, when praying or visualizing for what I yearn, rather than focusing on what makes me afraid. Or, if out of my control, I focus on the silver lining. Deepac Chopra says if we look at each problem as an opportunity, we can find personal growth from the problem. For instance, I would undo my husband Bill’s death in a second, but I would not undo the compassion, inner strength and spiritual connection I gained through the experience of losing him. Do I think that is why he died young? No, I do not. But I created meaning from my loss and became a better person. I think our mom is a shining example of forgiveness. Forgiving the man who killed our brother doesn’t mean we think it’s ok, it just means we let it be his problem. It is between him and his family and the divine. What they suffer or don’t, what they glean from the event, or don’t, are burdens I don’t choose to bear. I give it back to them, freeing myself. By wishing for their best outcome, I open myself to mine. Life is hard, and once we accept that, we can get on with living. This I learned from Scott Peck in “The Road Less Traveled.” Rumi says all the seeds of heaven and hell are within us. I believe life offers many opportunities to contract or expand. Contraction is pain, expansion is growth. When I stay true to my conviction to create love, joy and beauty in this world, I expand and feel my connection to all, including those who have hurt me, those who sustain me, and the Divine. This connection brings me peace in the hard times and immeasurable joy in the small and large moments when my mind stills and my heart expands.
Thank you, Connie, for sharing your insights. I have always admired your resilience through life’s challenges. Love you sister!