What should I do about Mother’s Guilt?
Sunday was Mother’s Day—a fact that you are probably well aware of, if the statistics are any indication.
- More phone calls are made on Mother’s Day than any other day of the year. These holiday chats with Mom often cause phone traffic to spike by as much as 37 percent.
- In the U.S., $21.2 billion was spent on Mother’s Day in 2015, up 7% from 2014. When it comes to gifts, the majority of consumers picked up a greeting card for mom (80%) last year, spending more than $786 million, and more than two-thirds (67.2%) of those celebrating bought flowers, to the tune of $2.4 billion.
- Mother’s Day is the most popular day of the year to dine out, with 38 percent of consumers reporting doing so, according to National Restaurant Association research.
I guess none of this should come as a surprise. Mothers are revered around the world, as they should be. Motherhood is one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs out there. (Perhaps fatherhood ranks up there too—but I can’t speak to that personally, so I’ll let one of the fathers tackle that subject.)
I am blessed to have a mother, a mother-in-law, two daughters, and two stepchildren that I love dearly, all of whom live within 10 miles of my house. I have never experienced the agony of losing a child or my own mother. I know many of you aren’t that fortunate; and I do recognize how blessed I am. Yet, Mother’s Day is still emotionally complicated for me.
As a daughter, I appreciate the opportunity to recognize my mother and tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am for everything she has done for me; but I also feel a little guilty, like perhaps I didn’t adequately express my affection throughout the year. Did I visit as often as I could? When I did visit, was I 100-percent present or did I allow myself to be distracted by the things left undone at home or at work? Was I there when she needed me—emotionally and physically? In the natural order of things, there will probably be a time when I can no longer pick up the phone and call her, or laugh with her, or hug her. When that day comes, I definitely do not want to wonder if she knew how much I loved her.
As a mother, it’s even more complicated. Don’t get me wrong, I adore the love and gifts that are showered on me by my children and grandchildren. But then there’s the guilt again. All those ads, cards, songs, and poems extolling the virtues of super mothers—women much better than me—only serve to remind me of all those times I came up short. I swear to you I remember the exact day the Mother’s Day Guilt started. It was a Sunday morning, and I was trying to get two preschoolers ready for church. As the saying goes, it was like rounding up cats. My patience grew short. I remember there was yelling and stomping of feet. When we finally arrived, the primary children sang this song:
Like sunshine in the morning that wakens day from night,
Like flowers in the springtime so colorful and bright,
Like happy songs of bluebirds that fill the air with cheer,
A person bright and lovely is my mother dear.
Words and music: Becky-Lee Hill Reynolds, b. 1944. © 1969 IRI
I felt about two inches tall. I vowed I would be that bright and lovely woman from that moment forward. Of course, that lasted about a day (if that long). Let me be clear, I may not be June Cleaver, but neither am I Mommie Dearest’s Joan Crawford. I am what I imagine to be your average loving, well-intentioned, but imperfect mother. My adult children still seek my company, and even leave me alone with the grandchildren overnight, so I couldn’t have been all bad, but when you’re responsible for an innocent child’s development, even the smallest shortcomings feel monumental.
So, if you are a mother that loves your mother and your children with all of your heart, but feels inadequate in either role, you are not alone. We’re all just doing the best we can, and sometimes that really is enough. If you’re looking for tips on silencing Mother’s Guilt, check out this article.
On the other hand, if you’re interested in using your guilt to challenge yourself to improve, check out this article on the pros and cons of guilt.
Or maybe you’re ready to embrace your Mommy Guilt. If so, this blog post is for you.
What’s your take on Mother’s Day—love it or hate it or something in between?
I don’t have the mother’s guilt like that even after raising 4 daughters. I don’t have to. My mother hands out ample for both of us. In other words, she uses her mother’s guilt for evil. LOL I gave up being perfect years ago and it was so liberating. I find living with guilt is such a waste of time. All we have to do is learn from it and move beyond it. Easier said than done, I know. This is a beautiful post that will give just the right encouragement to so many moms out there!
Good for you Pam! I agree, unless you can use a little guilt to change something for the better, there’s no sense in lugging it around with you. The truth is I have a lovely relationship with my mother and my children, so I’m ready to silence the guilt. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Your girls sing your praises, you are an amazing mother… and sister.
Ah thanks Heidi. They’re pretty great kids. And, of course, you are a marvelous sister. Happy belated Mother’s Day!
Sounds like you’re a great daughter and mother, try not to feel guilt, life is too short for such. I don’t feel guilt. I know I was a good daughter and I did the best I could as a mother…plus and it’s a BIG PLUS – my grandbabies sure think I’m an awesome grammy 🙂 Thank you Christie for linking up and co-hosting at the #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty. I shared this post.
Thanks Dee. I also have wonderful relationships with my mother, children, and grandchildren. None of us is perfect, so there’s no point in wallowing in guilt over perceived errors. Honest reflection and adjustment, yes; but not unproductive guilt. Thanks for all you do for #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty.
I think a little mommy guilt helps balance things out. If you never consider whether you’re doing your best, you’re probably not. If you alway doubt yourself then you’re not doing your best because your loved ones want you to be confident!
Thank you for sharing at #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty
Thanks Lori. I like the idea of considering whether you are doing your best and taking steps to improve things, but not expecting perfection–from yourself or anyone else. It’s a pleasure cohosting #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty with you.
I do experience the mommy guilt, even now sometimes and my kids are grown and I’m a grandma. But I know I did (and do) the best I can. I don’t think I can ever say “No” to anyone without feeling bad and worrying about it. I guess I know what I need to work on!
I have a hard time with “no” too. On the flip side of that, I have a hard time asking for help–probably because I’m afraid the person won’t say no even if they don’t really want to do whatever I’m asking. 🙁 I guess I know what I need to work on!
Thank you for sharing this very honest and open Mother’s Day post, Christie. I am greatly enjoying getting to know you #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty. I have shared this post on my social media.
Thank you Donna. The feeling is mutual. That’s one of the things I love most about blogging–connecting with people I otherwise would never have met. Happy Friday!
Thank-you for this great post. I too have been that grumpy mother, overwhelmed with too much on my plate. Somehow, my three children grew up to be wonderful, amazing people, and now I have grandchildren to love and spend time with.
I found your post via #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty.
Jude
Yes, Jude, aren’t grandchildren the best–and pretty amazing that the children we raised brought these wonderful beings into the world! We must have done something right, huh? 🙂
You are doing the best you can. Do not feel guilty. Thank you for linking up at the #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty. I shared this post.
It’s true, and honestly I don’t spend a lot of time feeling guilty. For some reason, Mother’s Day does it to me. Thanks for co-hosting at #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty, Clearissa.
Mother’s guilt is something that we can shed as we enter our “older and wiser” years. As a grandmother and mother to two 40-somethings, I let the guilt ship sail away into the sunset years ago. Thank you for linking up at #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty. I’m sharing your post on social media.
Thanks Carol. I find I am getting better at accepting myself and others as I get older. Some things really do get better with age! Thanks for commenting and sharing.
We place so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect Christie and perceive others to be better than us. In reality we are all doing the best we can. If we have love from our family we must be doing something right. Thank you for sharing such a personal view with us at #blogginggrandmotherslinkparty. Have a beautiful day. I’ve shared
Thank you for the kind words, Sue, and for sharing this post.
What an honest, heart-felt post. My mom lives in Kentucky and I live in Texas. Both of my daughters live out of town. I feel like I am forever trying to balance my free-time among the three of them. Phone calls, visits, text messages, snail mail cards and letters. Some days i feel like saying “I’m dancing as fast as I can!!”
We all do the best we can. I know your mother knows you love her just as my mother knows I love her. We don’t have to have Hallmark proclaim that for us. Or a special annual holiday.
Thank you Leslie. I love that description “dancing as fast as you can.” Make sure you take time to enjoy the dance. That’s what it’s all about. I guess we’re lucky to have this “problem” of so many people to love.
Christie this post really touched my heart – it’s so hard to get it right isn’t it? I also wonder if I do enough for my Mum and I managed to offend my daughter with my MD post so I failed Motherhood 101 big time on that one! I’m finding increasingly difficult to get the balance right between keeping everyone happy and allowing myself to have feet of clay. (And I so totally got the church service guilt – that has happened to me back in the toddler days too!)
Leanne, thanks for sharing your personal experience. I guess we’re all just doing the best we can. The important thing is that we love our parents and our children–and ourselves–the best that we know how. I hope you had a chance to check out a couple of the links from my post. I found those articles quite helpful. Here’s to trying again another day! Hugs!