Can we talk? Successfully asking for help this holiday season
For many of us, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, while simultaneously being the most stressful time of the year.
I recently shared a blog post about how to maintain sanity and good habits during times of transition. The same rules apply to the holidays, and one of the most important tips is that you don’t have to do it all yourself, even if you always have.
So how do you ask for help in a way that is respectful and effective? Today I’m going to share with you some basics of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Model.
The Nonviolent Communication Model
This model has four major distinctions:
- Make observations, not evaluations
- Express feelings, not thoughts
- Identify needs, not strategies
- Make requests, not demands
Make observations
Observations are based on our senses and what we notice. Evaluations are interpretations and usually involve judgment. For example, “This house is a mess” is an evaluation. “There are dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor” is an observation.
Focusing on what can be seen, heard, touched, or smelled and offering specifics like time, place, and number will help you stick to observations.
Express feelings
Feelings are emotional experiences. Feelings are associated with met and unmet needs. Thoughts are cognitive processes that are influenced by experiences, beliefs, and values.
Sometimes thoughts are disguised as feelings. Here’s an example. “I feel like a failure” is a thought. “I feel disappointed that I didn’t get my Christmas cards mailed” is a feeling coupled with an observation.
To help you identify specific feelings, you may wish to check out this feelings wheel.
Identify needs
Distinguishing between needs and strategies can be tricky, but making the distinction is worth the effort, as it can expand the possibilities for empowerment. Let’s look at some examples:
- “I need you to clean the house this time” is a strategy, where the need may be order or rest.
- “I need to attend this holiday party” may indicate a need for belonging or community.
- “I need you to put up the Christmas tree” may indicate a need for support or beauty.
Here’s one example of a needs wheel.
Make requests
The difference between a request and a demand may seem obvious, but let’s review anyway. A request is a respectful ask, in which the asker is open to hearing no as a response. A demand is a forceful statement that something must be done.
Putting it all together
So here’s what a NVC request looks like when you put all the pieces together:
When I see/hear/notice [objective description], I feel [feeling], because I need [universal need]. Would you be willing to [request]?
For example: “When I see dirty dishes in the sink, I feel anxious, because I need order. Would you be willing to put your dishes in the dishwasher as soon as you finish snacking?”
The intention of NVC is to connect, understand each other, and create a “power with” dynamic. It says, I matter AND you matter. NVC is as much about building trust and connection as it is about resolving one particular issue.
Your turn
- Have you heard of the Nonviolent Communication Model? Have you tried it?
- Do you find the holiday season more joyful, more stressful, or an even mix?
- What else is on your mind? Anything at all; I just love hearing from you.
Sources:
The Center for Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication & Appreciative Inquiry with Dayna Jondal, MA, NBC-HWC & Darshi Shah, M.S, M.A., NBC-HWC, mindbodygreen
Hi Christie, I’d never heard of this before and it sounds like a good way to drill down to what’s actually driving our expectations or disappointments. I find the Christmas season to be a mixture of anticipation and trying to keep my expectations to a minimum. My children are very independent and don’t like to be on anyone else’s timetable, to curtail frustration on my part, I try to make it as easy as possible for them to participate on a day that doesn’t conflict with other commitments, then I simplify things down – less drama, less fuss, less stress equals more enjoyment and love.
I hope your Christmas preparations are stress-free and enjoyable too. x
I get it, Leanne. We now have grown children and a mix of grown and dependent grandchildren, which makes old traditions hard to keep. I’ve had to let go of some expectations over the years as well. I’m just glad we still all want to see each other and spend time together during the holidays, even if we can’t come together in one big group like we used to. Wishing you and yours a very happy and peaceful holiday season!
How interesting is this approach Christie? It sounds very reasonable and doable, so thanks for sharing it with us. esepcially at this time of the year!
#Teamwwwhimsy
Thanks Debbie. Of course, ideal discourse isn’t always what happens in the heat of the moment, but if we can practice NVC, over time it can become more of a natural, instinctive method of communicating. Wishing you and yours a happy holiday season!
I haven’t heard of it called this. When I was teaching, we used a very similar method called the I message. You began with “I feel this when you do this.” I like your method better because it takes the I message a step farther and offers a solution to the feeling. Thanks for sharing!
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
Yes, Marsha, I feel like I messaging and NVC are similar approaches. It is helpful to dig into the feelings and needs behind our requests, even if only for our own self understanding. I hope you are having an enjoyable, peaceful holiday season.
HI Christie, I had never heard of NVC model before but thank you for sharing with us. It makes complete sense. I must admit that these days I find Christmas quite stressful and not at all the magic time of year it used to be. Without Mum and Dad here anymore, it’s just not the same. Plus we have no little children in the family to make it fun. Regardless, I am hosting this year and I will try my best to create a bit of magic for those coming along. Thank you for sharing with at #WWWhimsy Christie! xo
I hear you, Min. Christmas…and any family traditions…get more challenging when we lose loved ones, or when the children grow up. My mom loved Christmas and always hosted an extended family party each Christmas Eve. We lost her six years ago now, and she took some of the magic with her, though my younger sister has kindly kept the Christmas Eve party going. I hope that some of the magic you create for your guests rubs off on you and you are able to find some joy this holiday season. XO
Hi Christie I have not heard of this model but I can see its use for sure. Each of us has pictures in our heads with ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ about special events like Christmas. It has taken me the last few years to LET it all go. And in doing so, make memories the best way I can. We are hosting Christmas this year because our son will have his 4 kids before they go to their Mum’s. We are keeping it simple and our daughter, who has been hosting for some years is helping out with catering.
The most important thing is getting together….so fingers crossed that works out for us all.
Denyse x
Yes, Denyse. Like you, I have scaled down my Christmas “shoulds” over the years and am more relaxed for having done so. It sounds like you’ve come up with a great plan for this Christmas. Enjoy each other’s company!
This is how I always tried communicating with my boys/husband. I always asked for help with a short explanation of why I needed it rather than demanding help or getting annoyed when no one offered help.
That’s great, Joanne. I think it’s a lesson that takes many people years of painful experience to learn…and some never do. I’m sure you and your family have benefited from your communication skills.