Happy Monday! Episode 11
Shoulda…Woulda…Coulda
Transcript
Good morning and happy Monday! I hope the world is treating you right and everything is going your way.
If not, you are not alone, and today’s message is for you.
If it is, embrace the joy, but don’t tune us out just yet. Chances are good that at some point in the not-so-distant future you will be confronted by a situation that just isn’t right or fair.
It simply is not possible to avoid all painful or annoying experiences in this life. Some of those experiences are truly unavoidable, and others…probably more than we like to admit…are the result of poor decisions–your own or someone else’s. These often result in a serious case of the “shoulda, woulda, couldas.”
But, never fear, I have the cure! Not for the original pain, but for the secondary pain we inflict on ourselves with the stories we tell, the lamenting this always happens to me…it’s all his fault…or it’s all my fault.
I’m not talking about having a positive attitude or finding a silver lining. This is about releasing judgment, accepting the facts of the situation and letting go of how things “should” be, in order to move ahead with how things actually are.
For me, there are two sides to this coin.
First, if my upset or irritation is focused on someone else’s behavior and my internal dialogue is all about how ridiculous or rude or just wrong they are, I consciously stop myself and say, “I choose love over judgment.” I admit, sometimes I have to repeat it a couple of times before it sinks in, but it truly does help me re-shape my attitude toward that person.
If it’s a minor infraction, like butting in line or not using a turn signal, I can just let it go. If it is something more serious, I may need to address it with this person or take action, but I can come from a place of good intention, rather than judgment and retribution.
On the other side of the coin, if the ridiculous person I’m upset with is myself, it’s a bit more complicated, but I can still choose love over judgment and replace, “I should have…” or “Why didn’t I…?” with “Next time I will…” It’s a subtle, but important distinction. It takes whatever follows in that phrase out of the realm of berating and judging into the more positive space of learning and growth. The focus moves from the past–which I can’t change anyway–to the future, where all things are possible.
In either case–whether I’m talking about myself or others–it comes down to loving kindness. So I’m going to leave you today with a twist on Ellen Degeneres’s closing phrase, “Be kind to yourselves and one another.”
Happy Monday! Happy holidays, and I’ll see you in the new year.
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Shared on the GRAND Social and #MLSTL.
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This was really good. Something I need to practice, practice, practice…
The sensei at my sangha likes to say, “It’s called mindfulness practice (not perfect) for a reason.” 🙂
Such a good message for this week, love and kindness, the world needs more of both! Wishing you a Merry Christmas! I like your poinsettia tree!
Thank you Dee! I agree the world needs as much love and kindness as we can get. Merry Christmas to you and yours as well!
I like that idea…next time I will… much kinder way of reflecting on a situation that we perhaps didn’t handle well. I’ve spent many a 3:00 am thinking “why didn’t I say…??” or “I should have done…” I am not particularly quick with the witty retort, not terribly brave about confronting someone about something but at 3:00 am, I all of a sudden become very clever and very bold. At least in my mind and in my own bed.
I like your take on Ellen’s parting words. If we aren’t kind to ourselves how can we expect anyone else to be kind to us?
I love this response Leslie! I am also more witty once the window for responding is closed! I often say I need a writer, someone who is one step ahead of the action. I hope you will at least be kind to yourself in your next 3 a.m. conversation.
Great post… I saw something on Facebook yesterday.. and it was “if it happened it was meant to be” meaning don’t let things make you angry upset worry etc. Its not you it was meant to be. I need to think this more often. #MSTL
That’s a good attitude to have Bree. I usually include as part of my meditation, “All is well.” That doesn’t mean painful things aren’t happening, but just that the Universe is as it should be. I do the best I can with the skills I have and release the rest.
I have definitely succumbed to the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” scenario. I love the phrase ” I choose love over judgement.” I could make good use of that. It is a nice reminder that our attitude is our choice. These are wise words! Merry Christmas and all the best in the new year.
Thank you Michele. As I said, love over judgment doesn’t always come easy, but it does come. Merry Christmas to you and yours as well.
Great advice Christie – especially in leiu of the stress and drama caused by my workmate over the last couple of years. I let it get the better of me – water wears rock as the old saying goes, but allowing myself to release it (and her) from my thoughts has been such a blessing. To not be going over and over it in my head and trying to come up with an explanation for her behaviour was a key turning point for me – now I’m releasing her in love (or at least in tolerance!) and it’s good to have her out of my head and to be filled with new and pleasant thoughts instead.
Have a wonderful Christmas full of love and joy – thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL and I’ve shared on my SM ☺️
Hello Leanne. I’m happy to hear that you’ve been able to let that situation go. You seem so happy now. Perhaps those circumstances led you exactly where you need to be. In any case, life is good and I’m glad you are enjoying it. Merry Christmas to you and your family!
I try to remind myself to not judge whenever I’m confronted by an angry customer. There is no way for me to know what brought them to this anger, perhaps they are living through the worst day of the life. It’s sometimes a struggle, but for the most part, I remember to choose kindness. I have a sticker that reminds me to “Be kinder than necessary.”
I like that, Jennifer: be kinder than necessary. I’m going to make that my motto for the day. Thanks!
What a lovely soul you are Christie! Your message and all the comments are so right and we need more of it in the world. #mlstl
Thank you Debbie. That means a lot coming from you. Have a lovely day!
Thank you for such a beautiful, inspirational post. Taking captive of our thought life is so important in the Christian life. Thoughts about other people or things that make me angry often come to my mind and I instantly have to rebuke it and focus on something more positive. Philipians 4:8
The first step is awareness of the negative thoughts and then extending the loving kindness. I hope you and your loved ones have a lovely, peaceful Christmas, Amy.
I love your vlog, Christie and your wisdom. I do sometimes fall into ‘shoulda and coulda’ yet once I let go as you suggest the weight is lifted. I wish you and your family a wonderful Festive Season and a very happy 2020. Thank you for inspiring me with your thoughts. Great to have you at #MLSTL and hope to see you linking up again in 2020. xx
Thank you Sue. Happy holidays to you as well. I can hardly believe we are talking about a new year–and a new decade–already. Here’s to peace and prosperity in 2020! XO
Once again, well done! Simple but powerful tips.
Thank you Angela.