How to be a good ally to the LBGTQ+ community during Pride month and beyond
I have many loved ones…close friends and family…who are members of the LGBTQ+ community. I’m guessing most of you do too, considering the 2025 Gallup polls indicate that 9.3 percent of US adults identify as LGBTQ+.
I do my best to be a good ally, and with Pride month upon us (in many countries, including the United States, where I reside), I decided to take a deeper dive into what makes a good ally.
Going directly to the source
In order to find out how to be a better ally to any group, it only makes sense to go to the source…the people we are supporting, the people who face the unique challenges of being a member of that particular group.
So for my sources, I first went to the people I know personally, and then for a broader perspective, I relied on a four-year study that included thousands of participants who identify as LBGTQ+. The study was conducted by Jacqueline M. Chen, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Utah, and Samantha Joel, an assistant professor in the psychology department at Western University, and was published by Harvard Business Review.
3 keys to being a good ally
The general consensus is that being a good ally comes down to three main components:
- Being accepting (e.g., making them feel safe and supported)
- Taking action (e.g., raising awareness and advocating for the group)
- Having humility (e.g., listening and being willing to learn and accept correction)
Be accepting
Participants in the Chen/Joel study ranked acceptance as the most critical component of good allyship and the foundation for all the others. Here’s what my sources had to say on this point:
I feel like a good ally is someone who is kind and considerate, even if they don’t entirely understand for themselves what it is like to be in the community. I feel like you don’t have to understand or even be overly kind and open about it, just treating the community like they would anybody else.
~Kylee
Try your hardest to use appropriate pronouns, and if you misgender someone, correct yourself without making a big thing of it. Also try to use inclusive language (partner/spouse vs boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, etc.).
~Ashley
Be respectful. Show support through visibility, but respect individuals’ privacy and identities.
~Blake
As an ally, your behaviors need to demonstrate that you accept and validate LGBTQ+ individuals’ gender and/or sexual identities.
~Chen/Joel study
Take action/speak up
We’ve all heard the saying, “It’s the thought that counts.” While intention is important, it’s not everything. Actions matter. Results matter. Here are some thoughts on how action applies to being an ally to the LGBTQ+ community:
It is hard to know who is safe and who would be someone that is hateful, especially here in red states. I find it easier to open up to people when they have pins or other things that are obviously for the community, or if they openly talk about their loved ones that are in it.
~Kylee
Speak up if someone is making homophobic jokes.You don’t have to cause a fight, something like “We don’t accept hate around here” is enough.
~Ashley
Advocate for inclusion. Support policies that promote equality in various settings.
~Blake
Someone who is respectful, especially when they are talking about the community even when they are among people that aren’t a part of it. The things I notice the most are when people stand up for us, whether we are there or not. And the people who educate themselves on these issues and try to make a point in showing they love and care about us no matter what.
~Kylee
Support LGBTQ+ creators and encourage their leadership on relevant issues.
~Blake
Taking action starts with the self. Do you educate yourself to learn about the issues impacting LGBTQ+ individuals, whether in your workplace or in your broader community?…Good allies also confront both interpersonal biases (e.g., a coworker making an offensive comment) and systemic biases (e.g., a workplace dress code that discriminates against gender-queer individuals).
~Chen/Joel study
Have humility
Being humble refers to trying to learn about LGBTQ+ issues from members of the community rather than performing allyship to make a good impression. Keeping the focus on the community and not on yourself. This one can be tricky, as we’re not always good at judging our own humility or even our true intentions, but here are some practical tips for putting humility into action:
Believe someone when they tell you who they are or what their experience is.
~Ashley
Use your voice to help fight for our rights and uplift the community, but don’t directly talk over/silence queer voices in the process. You’d be surprised how common it is.
~Wren
Regularly examine your beliefs and biases; be open to feedback.
~Blake
Don’t assume someone’s gender/pronouns/orientation. Just because someone is in a relationship with the opposite sex does not make them straight, and how they present (masculine/feminine) does not always reflect their gender. If you’re not sure, it’s totally fine to ask what someone’s pronouns are.
~Ashley
Someone would score highly on having humility if they “listen more than they speak in discussions of LGBTQ+ issues” and “keep the focus off of themselves in discussions of LGBTQ+ issues.”
~Chen/Joel study
Final thoughts
You don’t have to be a perfect ally to be a good ally. Even small efforts can improve the quality of life for those you are advocating for and for you, the ally. And while all kindness matters, informed kindness is even better.
One more update
I received this input after this post published, and it kind of sums everything up, so I wanted to share it with you:
I think the biggest thing is just being open and willing to communicate. I know it’s incredibly common to be raised with certain beliefs about queer and trans people, but we are just that: people. And by being open to talking about experiences and identify with the queer and trans people you know, you’re slowly breaking down those barriers and gaining further understanding of them.
~Vic
Your turn
- Do you have any additional suggestions for being an ally for a marginalized group?
- Do you celebrate Pride month? If so, how?
- What else is on your mind? Anything at all; I just love hearing from you.
Sources:
A huge thank you to Ashley, Blake, Kylee, Vic, and Wren…and to all of my LGBTQ+ friends and family who have loved and educated me off the record over the years.
https://news.gallup.com/poll/656708/lgbtq-identification-rises.aspx
https://hbr.org/2023/04/research-how-to-be-a-better-ally-to-the-lgbtq-community
https://www.loc.gov/lgbt-pride-month/about/
Feature image by Alexandra_Koch from Pixabay
Beautifully written, good advice. I like what Ashley said: “We don’t accept hate around here” That is the simplest way to shut down someone who wants to cause trouble. I’ll remember that.
Thank you, Ally. I agree that a simple statement of rejecting hate can be useful in many circumstances. My mother used to say, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🤎🖤🩶🤍🩷
Love you Liz! XO
🏳️🌈 I try to be supportive and I hope all of the LGBTQ+ people in my life know that I love and accept them.
I believe they do, Cindy. Your loving nature naturally comes through.
Thank you Christie ❤️
You’re welcome. XOXO
Hi Christie, thanks for your research and tips to help support the LBGTQ Community. When we don’t fully understand the struggles and annoyances a community have to deal with it’s great to hear straight from them on how we can be better ally’s and more supportive to them. Thank you for sharing with us at #WWWhimsy ! xo
I agree, Min. It’s always best to do unto others as “they” (rather than “you”) would have done unto them when you can. I hope by the time you are reading this response, that means your eye has nicely healed!
I think all of these are ways to embrace the LGBTQIA+ community. I have former students who now identify as non-binary as well as some who are drag queens. I think I am most guilty of not being humble because I want them to know I am an ally. I am going to remember Ashley’s words, “We don’t accept hate around here.” It’s the perfect solution for ending those types of discussions. Thank you, Christie, for a beautifully written post.
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
Humble is the trickiest one for sure, Marsha. I don’t think it’s wrong for us to make it known that we are allies, just that we remember who is at the center of our efforts.
I am aware, thanks to friends made in real life, and on-line, that it can be a very hard road to walk. “Being” different is such a human thing and yet it is not well-done it seems within some aspects of society . I am glad you could share this for us all to know how to be better allies.
Thanks Christie.
Denyse. x
I agree, Denyse. It would be lovely if we could all accept, and even celebrate, our differences…be allies for each other.
We have lots of LBGTQ+ in our family and I try really hard to explain what is and is not appropriate for certain members of the older generation to say. Not that I am always fantastic at remember the correct pronouns and terms to use either but I definitely try and apologize when I get it wrong.
We all make honest mistakes, Joanne, and I think a quick apology and moving on is the best way to handle those times. It’s the big picture of how we treat and speak to others that matters most. And, yes, it can be more challenging to say the right things for older generations. Change takes time.
I don’t really celebrate Pride but I’m all for it. I do assume gender, pronouns and relationships. So I must work on that. My daughter seems to have a tonne of non binary friends so I should know better. At the kids school there were a number of same sex parent families so I really should have learnt by now.
That all said, I do try to speak out. When no skin is in the game, it’s safer to be vocal. I have noticed at concerts by myself, little femme men or lone transwomen will move near me (presumably for safety) and it worries me that as a little old lady I’m the ‘tough guy’ for them. How horrible to always be scared and on the look out for danger. Or maybe they just think I’m too old to pick a fight with them?
There is so much we take for granted when it comes to life as not part of the LBGTQ community, and that’s why PRIDE is important. Great post.
That all said, where I live in Sydney is the rainbow part of town so it’s sort of Pride all year round.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Lydia. I think people of all persuasions are drawn to those they feel safe around, so you must be emitting a loving, accepting vibe. I love that you said you live in the “rainbow” part of town. That paints a beautiful picture in all sorts of ways.
Thanks for this information Christie, I like the way you say that even if we can’t be a perfect ally then a little bit of understanding and compassion and kindness can help us along the way. It’s so important in this world we live in!
Deb #Teamwwwhimsy
It’s so true, Debbie, a little understanding, compassion, and kindness go a long way in all aspects of life, and especially in supporting those who at times are not afforded that kind of treatment by parts of society.
I like what you’ve done with this Christie, you’ve asked those involved what it is they want and/or need from people as allies. Even the most empathic of us can get it wrong, so it’s always wise to go to source.
As a result, what you’re sharing is lots of lovely advice – thank you.
Thanks Debs. It was a learning experience for me as well.
Thank you for this post. I read it a few days ago and have returned to reread it. We had an experience yesterday that made me want to come back and read your post again. You know we do drop-in visits to care for people’s kitties and pups. We did a meet-n-greet with a gentleman who asked to meet us before hiring us to watch his dogs for 3 days. It is not unusual to meet our clients first, but this felt different. He was careful not to book us until he met with us first.
When we arrived at his house, the man who had contacted me came to the door. He introduced himself, and then from around the corner came his husband or partner. We enjoyed meeting both men and their very sweet pups. They hired us for this job and some upcoming jobs in July.
When we were driving home, I told PC how hard it must be for some same-sex couples to invite strangers into their home and their lives, even just to watch their puppies. They didn’t know how we would respond or what might happen if we had a negative response. They really put themselves out there, so to speak, and it made me said that they might have been worried or nervous about meeting us. I am thankful they felt comfortable with us and have given us the opportunity to love their pups while they are gone.
Thanks for sharing your recent experience, Leslie. I’m glad you were a good fit with this couple and their pups. It is hard to imagine that extra layer of fear that comes with being part of a group that is so often the subject of misunderstanding and even hate. They are lucky to have found you. Those pups hit the jackpot with you!