When doubt and confusion abound
It’s been seven weeks since I told you my month of R&R had come to an end and nearly four weeks since we completed our long-awaited trip to Alaska. I’m feeling a little restless…unsettled. Like there is something I should be doing, but I’m not sure what it is.
There’s that word “should” again. No matter how often, I put it down, it pops up again somewhere else…like a Whack-a-Mole.
It’s not that I haven’t done any of the things I said I was going to do. I have started the novel edit. I’ve looked at new blog themes. I’ve cleaned out my closet. The problem is I haven’t felt truly engaged in any of those things. It feels more like going through the motions…checking the boxes…following through on what I said I was going to do.
I can’t put my finger on what is missing.
I know I’m craving more nature. It’s been so hot, and circumstances have kept us up north…no swimming pool. While that is absolutely true, it also feels like an excuse. This week I have made more of an effort, walking the dog early before the heat is intolerable…sitting in the shade with my feet in the lawn. It’s not exactly the nature I was envisioning, but it’s something.
Maybe I just haven’t found the right adventure. Or maybe it’s that old self-doubt creeping in.
- The novel isn’t really good enough…and even if it is, I’ll never get it published the traditional way, and self-publishing and promoting sounds difficult. I don’t have the knowledge or the skills.
- I don’t know how to update a blog theme. I don’t want to spend a lot of money getting professional help on a hobby blog, especially one that is seen by so few people.
- I could go on a hike, but I don’t like to drive in the mountains…and there’s no one to go with me. Never mind that I haven’t actually invited anyone. Larry’s preoccupied with other concerns and still battling COVID fatigue…my friends are busy. And it’s either hot or raining most days.
So I dip in my toe, but don’t dive in. I’m not sure if that is the reason for the lack of engagement, or if it truly is that I haven’t found the right activity yet…one that draws me in.
Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not.
~ Virgil Thomson
On the bright side
I have no regrets about retiring. Nearly three months in, I am confident in that decision. I am so much more relaxed and haven’t missed working at all. It feels right.
I’m enjoying the little things:
- I take great pleasure in waking up naturally to sunlight and birds chirping.
- I have been trying new recipes.
- I love being able to attend morning Orangetheory Fitness classes.
- Larry and I have more time together, including the institution of weekly daytime dates.
- I’ve been reading for pleasure, which not surprisingly, is pleasurable!
- I’ve spent precious time with my mother-in-law.
Transition is a process
Transition is more like turning a dial than flipping a switch. It takes time. I’ll find my way. The question is how. Do I push through my doubts and go all in with the projects I had lined up, or do I try something new…dabble until something grabs my attention?
I’ve asked my gut, but it’s not answering.
Maybe there is a middle road, get serious about one of my current projects and also experiment with new things.
One thing is certain…whatever course I take will require overcoming the self-doubt that has crept in recently. I need to trust myself to find the right activity…and then trust myself to be able to do it. And in the process, remember the ultimate goal is joy and engagement…not necessarily achievement.
Your turn
- What was your most recent life transition? Was it smooth or rough?
- Do you know what you want to be doing right now, or are you on a search?
- What else is on your mind? Anything at all; I just love to hear from you.
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In a recent blogger zoom, some of us shared having feelings like you described… lack of motivation/inspiration? Maybe it’s the heat, end of a season, Covid fatigue (not the fatigue of having Covid, the fatigue of thinking about it), problems at home and in the world… who knows. I hope your feelings of self-doubt don’t get in the way of completing and publishing your novel. I’m looking forward to reading it!
Thank you for sharing that, Janis. It could definitely be a combination of all those things…throw in my recent transition and my mother-in-law’s decline, and I guess it’s not surprising that I’m not feeling 100 percent. Thanks for the encouragement on my novel. My plan right now is to continue plugging forward. I hope you won’t be disappointed.
Your words flew off the page (ok, screen) at me! Yes, to this, I say. And no, it’s not an answer to your questions but it is SO normal to feel SO unsure during any life transition & this one is up there with the BIGGEST.
My experience has taught me this: when it’s uncomfy it means it is a hit change, and I used to think I could control change. Nope, not really.
My advice? Let this time be a period of experience tasting, discovering and also DOING nothing to “make things happen”
I am just starting an amazing book called We were Made for times Like these by Kaira Jewel Lingo. And it’s wisdom borne of her life of transitions.
No-one really speaks clearly about life’s transitions but we need to speak up ( as you are) about how hard they are but that we need to keep going.
Keep writing about your experiences, it helps us all. Denyse
Thank you for those kind words of support, Denyse. I do appreciate the advice. It reminds me that was my original intent for this first year of retirement…to experiment and discover. That’s the mindset adjustment I’m looking for. The book you mention sounds interesting. I’m going to check it out now.
Hi Christie – I think your unsettledness is tied into a lot of things, and I wrote about feeling the same way (https://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2020/08/life-feels-out-of-kilter.html) a couple of years ago. I shared a quote in there from Simon Rego that you might find helpful. Our self-worth and self-image are so closely tied to our productivity and having something to show for our time – so when we are transitioning it unsettles us.
I’m wondering if retirement will be full of times of change, swapping interests, moving in different directions etc – all so different to when we were tied into a more consistent routine when we were working.
Hang in there – you’ll settle again and find your sweet spot (until the next period of change sweeps in and ruffles your feathers again!) You’re not alone in this my friend – but regardless, I wouldn’t swap retirement for my old life in a million years!
Thanks for the reminder, Leanne. I will revisit that blog post and the quotes. I have greatly benefited from the experiences you and others have shared on their blogs. It helps to realize that these feelings are a normal part of big life transitions and to be prepared for the cycles of change. And I definitely agree with you that I wouldn’t swap retirement for work life!
Hi, Christie- I believe that restlessness and not feeling fully focused is a natural part of most transactions. In my experience, this will soon pass and you will be able to fully embrace and enjoy this new (and exciting) phase of your life!
Thank you for the encouragement, Donna. It’s funny, as soon as I admitted to how I was feeling, shared it, and read all the kind responses, I began to feel better. We are part of such a supportive blogging community! I feel blessed.
Hi Christie, this is NORMAL! Transitions always have that “in-between” feeling. There’s even a psychological term for it… the liminal space. I think it’s like a trapeze – you’ve let go of the one rung, but have not yet caught the other rung. I called it the roller coaster ride when I was feeling it in early days of retirement. I felt it again with the Big Move transition. I know it’s hard to get through, but you will.
Onto some basic topics. Self-publishing. You don’t need to know how to do it…find a small press that does it all. yes, you pay for things – editing, cover design, distribution. But it’s not as crazy $ as you think. I used Mill City Press. It’s based in Florida… but I was in Ohio. I looked at a couple of others as well – google them, get quotes, look at the details. I pay about $350 a year to keep my book “active”; It was about $2000 to get it all “set up”. I did not make anything like that in royalties, but it was logged into our budget as “hobby cost”. Cheaper than a year of golf greens fees.
Think about the why behind being published. Do you need it to be hard copy? If not, there’s even more options for digital only self publication! Do you need to sell it a lot? Self-promotion is hard… I took a seminar and can send you the 10 things to do…. I did about 3 of them. Decided I really didn’t care about selling a lot of copies of my book. I keep it active really for my blog readers (new folks all the time!) Know your why!
WordPress blog theme change…. you do not need a professional! Seriously, we can do a phone call and I’ll talk you through it. (I’ve done it twice in 2 years) Or look at taking the WordPress blogging 101 class again – it’s free! Themes is covered as well as lots of other topics.
Keep dipping your toes in. Keep dabbling, for now. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This feeling you’re feeling is normal. Eventually you might want to go all-in on something… or not. I’m still dabbling!
Yes, the summer heat has gotten to me a bit as well…but fall is coming soon. So reach out about that hike…. you never know who’ll be “oh yeah, I want to do that too”! I’ve found that others love when I plan things… and yes, Tim knows he might be my go-to person if no-one else wants to go. And Im learning to do some things solo as well.
The fact you still are looking at the daily pleasures…. you’ll be fine. 🙂
Thank you, Pat, for this in depth response and the excellent advice.
I am still trying to understand my true “why” for publishing the book. If I’m honest…here I go being vulnerable…part of it is the validation that would come from traditional publishing that it is good enough to share publicly. I did ask a couple of people without personal relationships to me to read and give input, and I got a professional review that was encouraging, so perhaps that needs to be validation enough. As for reasons behind self-publishing, I’m not looking for financial rewards. I would like for people to hear my mother’s story (even if fictionalized), and I’d like the satisfaction of having this years-long project come to fruition. I believe there is more to it than that. I still have some work to do to understand my true motivation for publishing.
Thank you for the suggestion to take a WordPress blogging 101 course. When I first set up my blog, I used a professional to create the blog for me. I was pretty much hands-off, which I regret now, as I don’t understand a lot of the technical aspects. Luckily, over the years I have been learning with the help of MaAnna at BlogAid and through experimentation. That said, I have never taken a WordPress basics class. That would increase my confidence, I’m sure. I also appreciate the generous offer to walk me through the process. I may well take you up on that when I’m ready to go!
We are getting closer to ideal hiking weather, and I am committed to taking advantage of that. It’s one thing I am sure I want to do, and I know some people who would likely want to go with me.
Thanks again, Pat, for taking the time for such a detailed, thoughtful response. You have been an inspiration to me over the years through your own blog and your comments on other blogs. I appreciate it!
Give yourself time. Like a year or two. By then you’ll have found your footing. As for transitions, in truth I’m coming to hate that word. It’s all I’ve heard lately as we plan for my husband’s retirement. HR says it, CPAs say it, Lawyers say it, Insurance people say it. We’re like shut up already, we get it. ?
Thanks for the encouragement, Ally. I’m getting back to the mindset of play and experimentation. I can relate to your feelings about the word “transition.” If you think about it, life is one long transition. I am grateful for the planning and preparation I did prior to retirement, but now I’m looking to get out of my head and engaged in the experience of the moment. Good luck to you and your husband with his “evolution” into retirement. ?
Christie, admitting when you’re stuck is the best way to get past it. Next comes the ‘doing’ part, which is perfectly exhibited in your ‘bright side’ list. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually it will fall into place. You will get stuck again. After a while, you will forget about retirement and just start living the rest of your life in a way that pleases you.
You must be right, Suzanne. Almost as soon as I published this post, I felt better. Then, of course, all the thoughtful responses didn’t hurt. I hadn’t thought about the fact that after time I would stop thinking so much about being retired. It would just be my “normal” life.
I found retirement so exciting to begin with I was completely perplexed when I hit a down period. Now I’ve learnt that we journey through it in waves almost needing the low, quiet periods to appreciate and plan for the highs. I’ve just been reading about an eastern monastic cult where one of the steps to becoming fully fledged is actually to learn how to do nothing (not even think or concentrate on your breathing) so that when you come out of your trance like state, every little thing has so much more meaning and fulfilment.
All of life comes in waves, doesn’t it Caree? So why am I always so surprised when the next one hits? I’m usually impressed with myself when I can go 10 minutes without fidgeting and simply focusing on my breath. I can’t imagine doing nothing (not even concentrating on breathing). I wonder if our brains are even capable of such a thing. As with most things, it’s probably the practice itself that makes a difference, not necessarily achieving the goal.
I have not experienced retirement, but I have experienced self doubt. Why do we do that, we’re both pretty great! ? But seriously, I think, and by the comments of your readers they agree, most people do experience doubt and confusion at some point. It helps just knowing that we’re not alone. It hasn’t been that long since you retired, (and I’m happy to hear you don’t regret that!) and I know you will figure it out. I love you sis!
Self-doubt is apparently part of life, Cindy. I do think some suffer from it more than others…or we learn to overcome it as life progresses. I agree with you, we are both pretty great!