Rewind: to hell and back, cultivating resilience
I’m still on vacation–our final day–so I’m sharing one more past blog post. I chose this one because at the time I wrote it, I was going through hell, and yet here I am on the other side, whole and happy, more at peace than I have ever been. This post is a message of hope for any of you that may be suffering today. Never underestimate the value of cultivating resilience.
She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful. ~Terri St. Cloud
Everyone is going through some shit—or has been—or is about to. None of us gets through this life unscathed. The goal then is resiliency, bouncing back after hardship, becoming strong, healthy, happy again. Picking ourselves up and moving on.
I feel like my family has been through more than our share this year. But then maybe that’s the nature of life. Maybe some of you feel that way too.
What do you do to get through the tough times? How do you work to make things better again?
I’m still figuring it out, but one of the things I have learned is that it does no good to focus on the things that are not in your control. That just stresses you out, with no possible return on investment. From things as small as the weather on the day of your big race (or picnic or vacation) to bigger things like your loved ones aging or getting sick, your children’s safety and happiness, or a lack of justice for your baby brother’s death. (Feel free to insert your specific worries here.) We can worry or rage all we want, but that isn’t going to change anything.
So what is within my control? I can pack appropriately for the forecasted weather or make a Plan B and determine to enjoy myself no matter what. I can spend quality time with my loved ones while they are here and make memories. I can live healthy and make sure I’m not contributing to anyone else’s illness. I can savor the memories I have of my brother and spend time with the family that I do have. I can give up worrying about whether the driver is sorry or “suffering enough” for what he did.
Another thing I’ve been working on is giving up “why me” and “if only,” and replacing them with “So what? Now what?” Or in other words, what does this (whatever this is) mean for me? And what do I do now? Accepting where I am and moving on from there. It’s been my experience that the only time asking “why” is useful is to change something—to make sure you get a better result the next time around. Along those lines, I’m doing my best to replace “I should have…” with “Next time I will…” Moving away from the negative of shaming toward the positive of growing and improving.
I’m no expert. These are just my personal thoughts about what has worked for me. I would love to hear from you about how you pick yourself up and move on from life’s challenges.
I remember as a child, after some perceived injustice, crying to my mother “That’s not fair!” Her response? “Life isn’t always fair.” Did your mother impart any words of wisdom for cultivating resiliency?
On days when it all seems like too much, I focus on the basics. I borrowed this from Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection. I understand she borrowed it from a 12-step meeting.
A=Have I been Abstinent today? (For myself, I substitute moderate in all things.)
E=Have I Exercised today?
I=What have I done for myself today?
O=What have I done for Others today?
U=Am I holding on to Unexpressed emotions today?
Y=Yeah! What is something good that’s happened today?
Have a terrific day! Or if you are in a sad place, and that’s too much pressure, simply have a day. “Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don’t give up on yourself just yet. It’ll get better. Until then, have a day.”
Great post! I loved the thoughts/questions that go with A-E-I-O-U-Y. Wonderful!
Thank you Trisha! Have a day! ?
What a motivating post, Christie and I love the A.E.I.O.U at the end. I usually go for a run if I’m stressed but it really is all about attitude. Life will never be perfect, but we can choose to make it better by taking a positive spin rather than negative. I do hope you are okay and things are improving. Take care and enjoy the last of your holiday. Thanks for taking the time to link up with us at #MLSTL we love having you here. xx
Thank you Sue. At the time I originally wrote this post, I was going through a rough time, but I’ve come through it a stronger woman with more tools in my “thriving kit.” We had a lovely holiday and now it’s back to work for me!
I’m glad you’re whole, happy, and at peace now Christie. When faced with tough times, I think and take actions to get me out of the sad or angry mode. I also stay connected with my family and friends who support me. Have a great day!
Great tools for resilience, Natalie. Thanks for sharing them. I also find that taking action is the best thing for dispelling worry. I like the saying, “You can’t wring your hands while rolling up your sleeves!”
This is so cool. I am going to have to steal the AEIOUY. It so cool. Thanks for sharing it. #MLSTL
I’m glad you enjoyed it. I find the AEIOUY reminder very useful on those more difficult days.
Loved these thoughts Christie. It’s true the only way is forward, and the less regrets and guilt we have as baggage from the past the better. Especially when we have new challenges to face. The past, as they say, is a different country.
Thanks Jo. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. It’s easy to get mired in the what-ifs and if-onlys, but there is nothing to be gained. I like the imagery of thinking of the past as a different country. I’m going to borrow that.
This was a good post. (And such a hard time.) I’m so glad you’re in a happier place.
Thanks Cindy. I’m glad that we made it through those difficult times, and I really believe that I am better equipped for the next challenges–because you know there will be some. I’m so grateful for our close, loving family. Love you!
Christie, today seems to be my day for reading about Choice and Positivity, and your article really did ring true for me. The older I get, the less I want to review the bad stuff, and the less I review the bad stuff, the more I find that’s positive.
Thanks for a great article! #mlstl
p.s Hope you’re having a great vacay!!
I’m glad I could contribute to your positivity reflection, Agnes. I know challenges will come–that’s part of life–but I’m not looking to chase them down or wallow in them once they find me. I want to learn the lessons, build the skills, and move one. We did have a lovely vacay, thank you. Now it’s back to work!
I love this post Christie. I wish I’d read it many years ago before a few things started going wrong for me. I know now that we do eventually come through whatever challenge we’re faced with. My thought at these times is ‘this too shall pass’
I’m amazed at what we can survive, and thrive through even. I’m glad that you’ve realized that too. When times are joyful, I try to cherish the moments, knowing that they will pass. When things are tough, I comfort myself with the thought that “this too shall pass.” I hope you are having a good day today!
I have struggled with some crazy stuff in my adult life and have asked, more than once, ‘why does life have to be so hard?’ But I have survived and even thrived, often because of the very things I had once thought might just be the death of me! Ha! Cultivating resilience is a key to living a long life!
That’s exactly how I feel, Leslie. It’s not an exaggeration to say I didn’t know if I would ever feel peaceful or happy again, but here I am thriving. Here’s to us!
I love Brene Brown – she has really helped me see how to move forward from stuff that I carried that wasn’t good for me. Perfectionism and people pleasing were killers for me. Loved the AEIOU and I’m glad you’ve moved past the stuff that was obviously weighing you down when you wrote this. Looking forward to your return from holidays and to your guest post for me xx
Thanks for linking up with us at #MLSTL and I’ve shared this on my SM
Brene Brown is wonderful. She has some great insights. I’m prone to perfectionism and people pleasing as well, but I’m getting better all the time. Thanks for the opportunity to guest post; I’m looking forward to it too.
I love your approach Christie and those questions are great! Glad you are through hell, or at least on the other side now ? #mlstl
Thanks Debbie. It’s empowering to survive difficult times and move forward. (That doesn’t mean I’m ready for another go quite yet! 🙂 )
Good questions to ask your self. Life is always up and down but it is hard to go through the downward times.
I know you’ve had your share of challenges, Victoria. I hope you are doing well. ?
Very well written and very wise! We can learn, forgive (including ourselves) and move forward when the world is unfair to us or live in bitterness and defeat. We will certainly have days of defeat when we are going through hell, but if we do as you have written here, we will survive and thrive! I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your brother and glad to know you are on the other side of the darkest days now.
Thank you Teresa. It helps to be surrounded by caring friends and family. Certainly bitterness and defeat feels justified at times, but that only prolongs the pain. Some suffering we can’t avoid, but choosing to extend the suffering helps no one.
A-E-I-O-U! Great ideas for healing from brokenness. Beautifully said.
Thank you Sylvia and welcome.
Great advice Christie and very timely for me right now! Thank you for sharing on #BloggingGrandmothersLinkParty.
You’re welcome Lori. I hope you make it through your “hell” and come out happier and healthier on the other side.