Meet Bryan: in his own words
This week, my family celebrates the birth of my baby brother and commemorates his untimely death. As you can imagine, it’s an emotional time. I have made a habit of writing a post in his honor each year. (2016 & 2017). It’s just one of the ways I pay tribute to Bryan. Mostly, I do it for myself and for my family.
This year, I want to do something for you—those of you who did not have the privilege of meeting him. I want you to have the opportunity of knowing him—at least a little—from his own words. Now here’s the rub, I am going to share some entries from his electronic journal, which is titled “private stuff stay out bry journal.” Still, Bryan was a compassionate, caring person, so I hope he will understand that I am doing this for altruistic reasons and, therefore, forgive me for disregarding his instructions.
These are just random snippits from one journal (spanning 2008-2010). They don’t begin to tell you everything about Bryan, but I believe they give you a flavor of the man he was.
In Bryan’s words
May 4, 2008
I was born July 15, 1974. Yes, one of the greatest days in the history of the universe, because I was born on that blessed day. To be perfectly honest I don’t remember my birth. It’s a shame, too, because I’m sure it was spectacular. I’ve heard stories, but I can’t verify them. My father was and is David A. Haskell. Yes, his middle name was A. it’s not short for anything, that’s really it. And my mother was at the time Joan Ester Haskell. Later in life her name would become Joan Esther Nokes, yes I noticed a change in spelling of her middle name too, but that’s her story and not mine. She can tell it better than me. To be fair, I’m not sure she’s really my mother. On my birth certificate it lists my mothers name as John, so if there’s a John out there that had a child and couldn’t figure out what happened to him, you’ll have to get a hold of me. I’m probably your son. And you probably owe me lots of presents from birthdays missed plus Christmases.
May 18, 2008
Last Sunday was Mother’s Day and I spent the day with her playing board games and such. I only write on Sunday. It keeps me from sitting in front of the TV all day like a vegetable. What else is there to do on a Sunday? I mean go to church, but that kind of flies in the face of my Agoraphobia thing that I have going on. And one must keep the Sabbath Day holy, right? I do what I can…..most of the time…..some of the time…..once in a while. Whatever, get off my back, alright! So here I am writing to you when I should probably be in church.
I did take my mom out for dinner on the Friday before Mother’s Day for Mother’s Day. I watched a movie, Zorro, with her the day before Mother’s Day and on the actual day I made her dinner. So I think she had a pretty good Mother’s Day, or Mother’s Days.
I guess it’s strange for me to be able to go out to eat and stuff, but not go to church or get a job or anything like that, but I guess it’s because no strangers really talk to you at a restaurant or the grocery store. Checkout is kind of a pain, but you have to eat. I guess that’s really my thing is I don’t have a great ability to talk to strangers. I prefer to keep them away at all costs. Or maybe I’m just really, really lazy and that’s why I don’t socialize with others, I don’t know.
May 25, 2008
Looking back on my writing I have failed to mention that I have a dog. How could I forget my dog? Her name is Fiona, she’s named after Fiona Apple (a singer), and she’s a black mixed breed dog. She is the sweetest animal in the world and the apple of my eye. I got her from the pound about eight years ago and she has been one of my best buddies ever since. She was about five or six months old when I got her. I don’t know if she had been abused by her previous owners, but she walked crouched close to the ground. I think my mom thought there was something wrong with her, because she wanted to look at other dogs, but the first time I held Fiona that was it. She was the right dog for me. I’m sure you’ll hear more about her in the future.
We also have a cat. Technically it’s Mom’s, but really the cat belongs to the cat. If you own a cat you know what I mean. She’s a spitfire and that’s the best way to describe her. If she was larger we’d all be dead.
July 6, 2008
If you’ve never seen Beavis and Butt-Head you have really missed out on some great comedy, or some real trashy crap, depending on who you talk to.
August 3, 2008
I’m sure you’ve figured out that my favorite musical band is Iron Maiden. I also really like Sarah McLachlan and Fiona Apple. I’ve seen them both in concert twice and Sarah McLachlan is one of my favorite live performers, only behind Iron Maiden.
As far as TV goes, I’m not sure I have what you would call a favorite show. Maybe The Simpson’s, but I’m not sure. It’s a funny cartoon show about a dysfunctional family. I also like wrestling and most other sports.
My favorite video game is a series of games known as The Legend of Zelda.
I think I would have to say that my favorite food is either pizza, shrimp or scallops. Although I have to tell you that I’m not a picky eater. As long as it’s edible, I will eat almost anything that isn’t too spicy.
August 17, 2008
I had an interesting morning this morning. I was coming home from walking the dog and she was sitting in the shade under a tree by our house. This is pretty unusual for her. She was just sitting and staring at something. I finally convinced her to come in and I noticed what I thought was a dead bird. It wasn’t moving and was just sitting there. I took some bread out to the bird a couple of times and I think the first time I took it out it ate some of the bread. Both Mom and I said prayers for the little bird and the third time I took bread out for it, it flew a little bit away from me. I walked over where it had landed and was about to offer it the bread again, but this time it flew away. I was happy that it was able to fly off. I’m sure Heavenly Father heard our prayers and helped this little birdie out. Anyway, that was my morning.
September 21, 2008
I’ve been doing a little more cooking than I ever have before. I started making things from scratch and for some reason I like it. Yesterday, for example, I made scones for breakfast. They were pretty good, but they tasted more like just rolls to me. I’m going to try to make some rolls for Mom’s birthday dinner before she gets home from church. I’m also going to make her birthday dinner today.
October 26, 2008
I went to Sears to look for a costume. I must have looked them over five times and then I saw this one that was a ostrich jockey and I decided that this was the one that I wanted. The costume only comes up to your waist as far as what you actually put on, but it has a fan in it and so it’s kind of like a balloon. Anyway you but your legs in it and your legs are the ‘ostrich legs’. It makes you look like your are riding the ostrich.
When I got home Mom wanted to see what I had bought, but I told her that the costume was pretty freaky and she would probably be afraid of it. So I closed the door to my room and put it on. I came out and she laughed and was very surprised at the costume that I had chosen. I knew she would be.
March 8, 2009
Wednesday Mom and I took the bus and went to a place called Honk’s, yes that’s what it’s really called and Mom got some things to give for a humanitarian aide project and I bought a couple things as well. I bought Mom an Easter basket and some stuff to go in it. They had this funny chocolate cow that I just had to get for her. When we were young my sister Heidi called my Mom Moo and ever since then Mom loves cows. I also got her some peeps and some taffy candy. And a penguin egg that had jelly beans in it. She wanted it early so I gave it to her, but she can’t eat any of it until Easter.
December 27, 2009
Today I was walking the dog and I had the thought come into my head that I should go home and get in the shower and get ready and go to sacrament meeting. So I did. It’s the first time I’ve been to church in a long while. Nothing really extraordinary happened, but I feel that it’s time for me to go back to church. The Savior has blessed me very greatly and I owe Him much.
January 10, 2010
As I was walking out of church today I noticed a lot of people said hello to me. And I was walking by this lady who used to give Mom a ride to church and it’s fair to say that sometimes she’s got on my nerves a bit over various little things, but as I was walking with her I put my arm around her. It was strange and I didn’t even really think about it, I just did it. I am not a big touchy person and it really surprised me that I did that.
In his family’s words
Bryan Daniel Haskell
July 15, 1974 – July 18, 2015
Bryan Haskell–beloved son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin, and friend–was taken from us suddenly in the early hours of Saturday, July 18, while walking his faithful companion, Burrito. Seldom separated in this life, they fittingly entered the next together.
Bryan and Burrito were inseparable from that day two years ago when Bryan went to the animal shelter to choose a dog, and the headstrong puggle with the soulful eyes and the curly tail chose him. When Bryan passed him by, Burrito would not be ignored and howled until he returned. Thus began an unbreakable bond.
Bryan was full of delightful contradictions. He was the baby of the family, but refused to quit growing until he towered over all of us. He was a private person, but had a smile that drew people to him. He was spiritual–a devout Elder in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints–but had a wonderful, irreverent sense of humor. He was regimented and disciplined, but loved the unpredictable thrill of a good horror movie. He was gentle and kind, but loved a good row on the hockey rink.
Bryan will be sorely missed by all who knew him, especially his mother, of whom he took such loving care. Bryan’s nurturing didn’t stop there. When he and Burrito took their daily walk, Bryan always had a pocketful of treats for any other dog they encountered, and he was known to commit many acts of kindness for other retirees in the condos. Though he did his best to keep them anonymous, his sidekick’s curly tail and distinctive howl were dead giveaways.
Bryan leaves behind his mother, Joan Nokes; his father, David Haskell; his sisters, Connie Nokes, Christie (Larry) Hawkes, Cindy (Mark) Moore, and Heidi (Jimmie) Noon; his brother Blaine (Allison) Haskell; 15 nieces and nephews; and many other family members and friends too numerous to list; all of whom he deeply loved.
Bryan did not like to be fussed over and was adamant there be no funeral. He insisted he would only permit one if Iron Maiden’s music was played in the chapel. We decided on a compromise. An open house will be held in the cultural hall, beginning at 2:30 p.m. on Tuesday, July 28. Bryan would want you to dress casual, and don’t be surprised if, at some point, you hear Iron Maiden’s “Running Free” in the background.
Your turn
- If you knew Bryan, please share a memory.
- If you didn’t know Bryan, share a memory about someone you love.
- Whether you knew Bryan or not, hug someone you love today.
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I really love getting a little peek into Bryan! One of my favorite memories of Bryan is the infamous cow heist! Grandma ended up giving me that cow after we had been caught and I sheepishly returned Cowie. I still have him! I also fondly remember Lagoon days and sleepovers in Grandmas backyard, exploring the field (remember those?!), countless Christmas Eve’s, the list goes on and on!
I had forgotten about the cow heist. So funny. Thanks for sharing that memory, Jessi. XO
I had the privilege of being Bryan’s brother in law . And although it is true that he pretty much kept to himself, one thing that he couldn’t was his laugh. Bryan had this laugh like no other. With a crowed house full of family at the annual Christmas Eve Party at Grandma Nokes House (my Mother in law) you could always distinctly pick out Bryan by his unique laughter.
Funny when I think about it. As he was one not to share, talk, touch or engage much with, it was his laughter, this sound that everyone has and can express for themselves . Yet to me, just the sound of his laughter told me everything about him and more.
RIP Bryan you are truly loved and missed.
Oh, I do miss Bryan’s laugh and his big, sunny smile. Just thinking about it makes me smile, though, so I guess it’s not truly gone. Thanks for sharing your memories. XO
I loved Bryan’s laugh! A sound I will greatly miss forever.
Such a beautiful tribute, Christie. I love you!
Thank you Sheri. I love you too. XO
I loved this post so very much! Thank you for sharing!
One of my favorite things to do with Bryan every year was to poke fun at the grandpa Haskell Christmas gifts. Luckily, I feel like we’ve kept the tradition alive, but he was particularly good at it.
Oh yes, the tradition lives on, but we miss Bryan’s special touch. Love you Liz! XO
Love you too!
This was just lovely Christie and I commend you on writing it and sharing Bryan with us all. My brother in law Cliff, died very suddenly almost 4 years ago to the day, aged only 55, and we will always miss him. He was a quiet, gentle, fun guy who loved his family and bush walking. Thanks for sharing this and for the opportunity to share something about Cliff. #mlstl
Thank you for your kind words Debbie and for sharing your memories of Cliff.
What a beautiful tribute to Bryan, Christie and I’m sure he would not be upset with you sharing his thoughts. Isn’t it strange how we feel that others see us in this world. If only we could see ourselves through others’ eyes. I’m feeling quite teary reading your post. My brother passed away 2.5 years ago after a 6 week battle with cancer. He was 7 years older than I and lived in another country. We had lost touch over the years but I was so grateful that his daughters phoned me and put the mobile to his ear so we could chat. A few days later he had gone. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us at #MLSTL and also reminding us to hug those closest to us. xx
Thank you Sue. Since my brother died, I have made more of an effort to say the kind things that pop into my head, to let others know what they mean to me and how much I love them. Thank you for sharing the story of your brother’s passing. That must have been such a shock, him passing so quickly after being diagnosed. I’m glad you got to speak with him one last time. XO
Thank you Christie for introducing us to your beautiful brother. I understand your need to write about him each year. I have just written a post about my son who passed away in 1995. I also honour his memory by writing about him on the blog each year. I’m sure Bryan’s diary entries are a comfort to you. He had a great sense of humour. Made me laugh through my tears
Shared on SM #MLSTL
Thank you Jennifer. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your son. I cannot even imagine how that feels. I do know how it feels to write in memory of your lost loved one and the desire to share that person with the world. Bryan’s diary has brought me much joy. He really did know how to make us laugh. XO
Thanks for letting me meet Bryan. He looks like a wonderful person and I person I would have loved to meet. Sorry for your loss. #MLSTL
Thank you Patrick. He was indeed a wonderful person. You would have liked him.
I enjoyed reading these entries again. Thank you. I really miss him.
Me too, sister, on both counts. I’ve been laughing and crying for several days–sometimes both at once.
I just realized I was supposed to share a memory. I remember Bryan going to Lagoon with me when my kids were young. We had some of our best talks driving back and forth. And I loved his sarcastic sense of humor.
Oh yes, I also had some wonderful one-on-one talks with Bryan. He was so smart and funny. Thanks for sharing this memory.
What a lovely tribute to your brother. I’m sure he loved it too. I really got a sense of the person he was and what some of his struggles were in life. This Year marked the tenth anniversary of the passing of my dad and my father-in-law. I can’t believe how fast the years flew by. My father-in-law passed away on a July 16th and it has been a rough week with all of the tributes I have read. I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for sharing.❤️
Thank you Jamie. Bryan’s journal has brought me much joy this week, but of course, sadness too. It reminds me how much I miss him. I can’t believe it has been 10 years since your father and father-in-law passed away. All my love to you and Jon.
What a touching and loving tribute to your brother, Bryan. I lost a brother too, in 1985, at age 35. I remember waking up the next morning – surprised that the sun had the audacity to even shine that day. I still miss him terribly.
I loved reading some of Bryan’s words. He has a delightful sense of humor and sounds like someone I would have loved to meet.
Thank you for sharing your brother with us. Sending you hugs across this virtual world from one grieving sister to another.
Visiting from MLSTL & sharing on SM
Oh Trisha, thank you for sharing your story. It is such a strange experience to realize the world goes on after we have suffered such a devastating loss. The sun still shines. People continue to work, go on vacation, laugh, get frustrated over petty annoyances. It seems everything should stop, even if just for a moment, to acknowledge so great a loss to the world. Of course, our loved ones would want us to continue living too, and eventually we do, but we never stop missing them or loving them. Bryan was delightful, and I’m glad you enjoyed reading his words and getting to know him just a little. Enjoy your day and your memories of your brother! XO
What a beautiful post Christie – those diary excerpts really captured who your brother was and brought him to life for those of us who didn’t know him. He sounds like he would have been a real character and a great brother (and son to your mother). I’m sorry that you lost him far too soon, but that he left some lovely memories behind. Thanks for sharing his story with us at #MLSTL x
Thank you Leanne. Bryan was just as you said–a character and a loving caretaker for my mother. We all miss him dearly, but also find much joy in our memories of him. Thank you for the opportunity to introduce him to so many through #MLSTL.
What a nice tribute, Christie. Your brother sounds like a wonderful fun person. I dread the day if it comes that I would lose one of my sisters or my brother.
Thank you Victoria. Bryan was a lot of fun and a kind man.
Thank you for introducing me to you brother. By the comments above, it obvious that you are not the only one who has wonderful memories of your brother. #MLSTL
You’re welcome Jennifer. We have found much joy in our memories and sharing stories about Bryan. It has also been good to hear from others who have lost loved ones and their experiences. Thank you for your comment.
A lovely tribute to your brother. I’ve always wondered if I should keep or toss my journals.! I’m so I am glad you’re finding solace in your brother’s.
Thank you Pat. Bryan’s journals have been a great comfort to our family. I did destroy some of my old Journals years ago. I am currently keeping a line-a-day journal, which I imagine I will keep. I also think my blog serves as a journal of sorts. 🙂
I’m sorry that you lost your brother far too soon, Christie. He sounds like a caring and funny person. Virtual hugs to you.
Thank you Natalie. The support means a lot. XO
What a wonderful tribute to your brother, Christie. Such a sad loss. I too lost my brother around 20 years ago, he was 39 and such a great personality. I miss him every day and have so many good memories 🙂
Thank you Samantha. I am taken back by how many people have lost brothers at a young age. May we comfort and support each other always and hold on to those happy memories.
Hi Christie,
What a beautiful tribute to your brother, and a great reminder of why our words – private and public – are so important. It’s a blessing that you are able to keep hearing Bryan’s voice through his journal. #MLSTL
Thank you Karen. We have received much joy from Bryan’s words. I’m so glad he took the time to journal.
I did not know Bryan… but after reading your post, I feel as though I do now. What a touching tribute! Thank you for allowing us a glimpse of this very special man. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Thank you Molly. Your kind words mean so much. XO
Beautiful tribute. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of the wonderful man who was your brother.
Thank you Leslie. He was a pretty great brother. We miss him.
I love that you keep the memory of your brother alive. I lost my brother in 1975, I was only 16 years old. Like you, we continued to keep Mike in our hearts and in our conversations. I raised two kids that knew Mike as if he were alive. Presently, I have two grandkids. My Grandson is Mike, a young man honored to be named after a man that he never knew, yet knows well.
Bryan will always be with you and your family in spirit because you keep that door open. Keeping that door open heals our hearts and souls.
This is a beautiful story Christie and a pleasure to read.
Thank you for the kind words, Shauna, and for sharing the story of your brother. How sweet that you grandson is named after him and knows him through family stories. Bryan will stay in our hearts forever and it feels good to share him with others.
Thank you for sharing your brother’s journal with us. I enjoyed reading every word of it and from what I can tell he was a fun person as well as caring and kind. Losing someone you love is difficult but we will always have our memories of them. Shared this wonderful tribute x 4 ♥
Thank you for the kind words Dee. Bryan was indeed a wonderful man. He left us with lots of fun memories.